Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. May God bless you and keep you-until then.
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 164
The Teaching is never over. Everyday I feel I grow closer to God, my Higher Power, but didn't realize I was missing fellowship with friends that are Christians and that are strong in the word and preachings of God. There are many faults I have admitted to my fellow friends in Recovery and those not in Recovery and also ones that I asked for forgiveness, while not pointing the finger at them and pointing out my faults and my wrong doings. This is a difficult action to do, not telling the other that "I did this because you acted like this", or "if you would not have done that, I would not have acted that way". I have been able to make amends to most of the people I have hurt and taken down my pride and ego and admitted my faults to them. Recovery has taught me that this is the only way I can have a clear conscious to be able to live my life without chains being tied to me, Rigorous and Complete Honesty. I still have amends I have to make to others, that including to the children from my past marriage. I pray for them every night and that one day God will allow me to see them again to make amends for my actions during my active addiction in my past marriage.
I was proven the other day that The Teaching is Never Over because a friend and I were having breakfast and we were speaking of asking God for forgiveness, curses that are caused from generations past. She admitted to me something I would have never shared with anyone, a sin and one that I had done as well. It shocked me, but then I realized I was speaking to someone that was a Christian and preached the word and she was not ashamed to admit her faults to me. I would have taken this to the grave, but because she had already cleared her wreckage from her past I realized I could do the same. Admitting this horrendous sin to another human being gave me a sense of Freedom I had not felt since I began Recovery. The teaching is never over, I have found freedom on a new level because I have met someone that has led me down a new fork in the Road to Recovery and the Road to Happy Destiny. Godspeed.
Showing posts with label shame. Show all posts
Showing posts with label shame. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Saturday, March 2, 2013
The Mask from the Masquerade Ball...
you wear in life, may hide you from the world but at the end of the day the mask has to come off for you to sleep at night.
RIGOROUS HONESTY - Daily Reflections
Who wishes to be rigorously honest and tolerant? Who wants to confess his faults to another and make restitution for harm done? Who cares anything about a Higher Power, let alone meditation and prayer? Who wants to sacrifice time and energy in trying to carry A.A. 's message to the next sufferer? No, the average alcoholic, self-centered in the extreme, doesn't care for this prospect—unless he has to do these things in order to stay alive himself.
TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 24
I used to hide behind a mask in my world when I was not sober; a mask of lies, deceit, resentment, anger and selfishness. Small white lies, then deceit, lies that became bigger to cover up the little ones..oh, to the web we weave as if we were spiders...It became my way of life and I didn't even realize how much it encompassed my every being until I found Recovery and God.
It was a difficult process in the beginning because it was part of my disease, lying and being deceitful, and I would catch myself lying without even realizing I had done it until afterwards. The other day I realized I had embellished a story to make it seem much grander than it actually was. The embellishment didn't make the story better to the other person, it was my disease trying to make surface.
Today I know that I live my life with rigorous honesty. It is not fun to confess a fault to another, but I know I have to because at the end of the day my Higher Power, God, is the only one, besides myself, that knows the way I live my life.
Wearing a mask at the masquerade ball is easy to do and take off when you get home, however at the ball, your life, you are dancing with the devil. I choose not to wear a mask anymore, I choose God and Rigorous Honesty for my ball, my life. Godspeed
RIGOROUS HONESTY - Daily Reflections
Who wishes to be rigorously honest and tolerant? Who wants to confess his faults to another and make restitution for harm done? Who cares anything about a Higher Power, let alone meditation and prayer? Who wants to sacrifice time and energy in trying to carry A.A. 's message to the next sufferer? No, the average alcoholic, self-centered in the extreme, doesn't care for this prospect—unless he has to do these things in order to stay alive himself.
TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 24
I used to hide behind a mask in my world when I was not sober; a mask of lies, deceit, resentment, anger and selfishness. Small white lies, then deceit, lies that became bigger to cover up the little ones..oh, to the web we weave as if we were spiders...It became my way of life and I didn't even realize how much it encompassed my every being until I found Recovery and God.
It was a difficult process in the beginning because it was part of my disease, lying and being deceitful, and I would catch myself lying without even realizing I had done it until afterwards. The other day I realized I had embellished a story to make it seem much grander than it actually was. The embellishment didn't make the story better to the other person, it was my disease trying to make surface.
Today I know that I live my life with rigorous honesty. It is not fun to confess a fault to another, but I know I have to because at the end of the day my Higher Power, God, is the only one, besides myself, that knows the way I live my life.
Wearing a mask at the masquerade ball is easy to do and take off when you get home, however at the ball, your life, you are dancing with the devil. I choose not to wear a mask anymore, I choose God and Rigorous Honesty for my ball, my life. Godspeed
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
One Day at a Time...
is how I live. One Person at a Time is how God works through me. I have been asked many occasions why I write a blog and why. When I found Recovery I asked God to use me to share my experience, strength and hope because I did not know how to. Some find it shameful to admit to having addiction problems and I did at first... Realizing it was truly a miracle to have made it through the depths, darkness of addiction and the brink of death; then building my relationship with my Higher Power, God, I was not ashamed of my past addictions and My Recovery.
The emails, conversations, phone calls I receive from others lets me know that God is working through me to help others about addiction; whether that be of their family, their selves or just out of curiosity.
"Bill W. and Dr. Bob Started A.A. ... Bill W. was one of those men. ... in Akron, the two men began helping alcoholics one person at a time." The Founders of Alcoholics Anonymous, About.com
God can use you for what you fight for, what you are passionate about. I look at my friend, Kevin, and am amazed at how God is working through him in his ministries in Haiti. It is a miracle to see the transformation that Kevin has gone through and now changing One Person at a Time through his mission work with children in Haiti.
Teaching the poverty stricken that they are loved by Jesus and teaching them how to pray. This is Kevin's passion, what he is fighting for. His mission work touches me and works through me, it makes me want to be a better person and again reminds me how fortunate I am. I am thankful for my sobriety, my relationship with God, the food, shelter, job, family, friends that I have. Five years ago I could not have put any of this in words because I was too self-centered, in active addiction and took everything I had for granted.
I am the happiest I have ever been and thank God every morning and every night for my sobriety. One Day at a Time. Godspeed.
The emails, conversations, phone calls I receive from others lets me know that God is working through me to help others about addiction; whether that be of their family, their selves or just out of curiosity.
"Bill W. and Dr. Bob Started A.A. ... Bill W. was one of those men. ... in Akron, the two men began helping alcoholics one person at a time." The Founders of Alcoholics Anonymous, About.com
God can use you for what you fight for, what you are passionate about. I look at my friend, Kevin, and am amazed at how God is working through him in his ministries in Haiti. It is a miracle to see the transformation that Kevin has gone through and now changing One Person at a Time through his mission work with children in Haiti.
Teaching the poverty stricken that they are loved by Jesus and teaching them how to pray. This is Kevin's passion, what he is fighting for. His mission work touches me and works through me, it makes me want to be a better person and again reminds me how fortunate I am. I am thankful for my sobriety, my relationship with God, the food, shelter, job, family, friends that I have. Five years ago I could not have put any of this in words because I was too self-centered, in active addiction and took everything I had for granted.
I am the happiest I have ever been and thank God every morning and every night for my sobriety. One Day at a Time. Godspeed.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
We Just Try
Try and make it Day to Day, sometimes hour to hour, sometimes minute to minute...We Just Try.
If some of us only just tried. I now know friends that are trying and some that aren't. Some that have failed and began again. And then I know some that gave up trying and are dead. It is a continuous process. That is why we say we are in Recovery. If you were diagnosed with cancer, you would take every step and medication the doctor had advised to be in Recovery. We are the same way. The disease of Addiction. We have a process to follow and if we don't, most of us fall out of Recovery and eventually die. Just the same for cancer patients. If you do not follow the doctors orders, you will not begin the process of Recovery and will eventually die.
Those of use from Enterprise, Al. has lost a beautiful lady to cancer, Vicky Milam Harris that graduated from with me from Enterprise High School in 1992. She left behind a loving husband, Richard Harris and her son, Ritchey Harris, and of course her close friends and family. It has been only four days and when I pray for her and her family I could feel her presence and that beautiful smile of positive energy that she radiated...I posted this almost a year ago and the first comment is from Vicky about her Cancer. Listen to her words and her positive outlook on life. For some of us are not that fortunate. She turned her disease into a blessing to let others see that no matter what she had, she would live life Happy, Joyous and Free.
Donations are to the American Cancer Society- c/o Linda Andress PO Box 310900. Enterprise 36331.
I had it minute to minute Friday. My demons were all around me and it didn't matter what I did they wanted me down. This past week was joyous and filled with blessings from God. I was in constant contact with him every day, all day. And Friday it was though I was surrounded by a dark cloud and couldn't get away from it no matter how hard I prayed.
I know God gives us tests, test our strength. I don't hate many things but I do hate addiction. I hate how it is like a snake and sneaks up on you when you least expect it. Trying to suffocate the good and the blessing filled journey God has taken you down.
I hate being an addict. It makes me feel like such an outsider at times. Not able to go here or there or hang out at places because I do not know my limits or limitations in a new place and new people. I have been made fun of because I stay at home a lot...but I know what can happen in these four walls I sit in. Nothing. Nothing to risk my sobriety and my life. Being made fun of makes me feel like I am back in junior high and being picked on. Recovery is not easy all of the time. But it has been the best days of my life and some of the hardest ones ever. I would take this life over the life I lived in addiction, any day. Even days like Friday.
Walk a day in my shoes, a week, a month before you mock. All I can do is try, and I do. All day every day. Some days I have failed and some days I haven't. I just keep on trying. Godspeed.
If some of us only just tried. I now know friends that are trying and some that aren't. Some that have failed and began again. And then I know some that gave up trying and are dead. It is a continuous process. That is why we say we are in Recovery. If you were diagnosed with cancer, you would take every step and medication the doctor had advised to be in Recovery. We are the same way. The disease of Addiction. We have a process to follow and if we don't, most of us fall out of Recovery and eventually die. Just the same for cancer patients. If you do not follow the doctors orders, you will not begin the process of Recovery and will eventually die.
Those of use from Enterprise, Al. has lost a beautiful lady to cancer, Vicky Milam Harris that graduated from with me from Enterprise High School in 1992. She left behind a loving husband, Richard Harris and her son, Ritchey Harris, and of course her close friends and family. It has been only four days and when I pray for her and her family I could feel her presence and that beautiful smile of positive energy that she radiated...I posted this almost a year ago and the first comment is from Vicky about her Cancer. Listen to her words and her positive outlook on life. For some of us are not that fortunate. She turned her disease into a blessing to let others see that no matter what she had, she would live life Happy, Joyous and Free.
Donations are to the American Cancer Society- c/o Linda Andress PO Box 310900. Enterprise 36331.
I had it minute to minute Friday. My demons were all around me and it didn't matter what I did they wanted me down. This past week was joyous and filled with blessings from God. I was in constant contact with him every day, all day. And Friday it was though I was surrounded by a dark cloud and couldn't get away from it no matter how hard I prayed.
I know God gives us tests, test our strength. I don't hate many things but I do hate addiction. I hate how it is like a snake and sneaks up on you when you least expect it. Trying to suffocate the good and the blessing filled journey God has taken you down.
I hate being an addict. It makes me feel like such an outsider at times. Not able to go here or there or hang out at places because I do not know my limits or limitations in a new place and new people. I have been made fun of because I stay at home a lot...but I know what can happen in these four walls I sit in. Nothing. Nothing to risk my sobriety and my life. Being made fun of makes me feel like I am back in junior high and being picked on. Recovery is not easy all of the time. But it has been the best days of my life and some of the hardest ones ever. I would take this life over the life I lived in addiction, any day. Even days like Friday.
Walk a day in my shoes, a week, a month before you mock. All I can do is try, and I do. All day every day. Some days I have failed and some days I haven't. I just keep on trying. Godspeed.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Cinderella Man
The true story of an athlete who achieved his greatest success against the most daunting odds of his life is brought to the screen in this historical drama.
While conventional wisdom had it that Braddock was too old, out of shape, and out of practice to have any chance of winning, he defeated Griffin, and continued beating his opponents with a powerful left hook that had been intensified by years of punishing dock work. In a nation desperate for good news, Braddock's surprising comeback became a tonic to struggling workers and unemployed people, and all eyes were on Braddock when in 1935 he took on powerful heavyweight champion Max Baer in what was both literally and figuratively the fight of his life. ~ Mark Deming
Quite a sensational film, Braddock being on top of the world with his game, taking things in life for granted, i.e. tossing the purse he won on his dresser, a mere 4k plus in the twenties, a loving wife, beautiful children and in a lovely house without a worry in the world.
The depression hits, bills unpaid, no work, feeling despair and the world on his shoulders to provide just milk for his family. Milk. Letting go of his pride and ego and turning to his former trainer and manager to ask for money to be able to turn his utilities on. However, Braddock had the fight in him not just from his boxing career that God had blessed him with but also the fight in him not to let his family down.
Quite a parallel story of those that are or were in active addiction. You have it all one day, take it for granted, hit rock bottom and wonder if you have a fighting chance...
I wasn't sure if I had it in me, but by the Grace of God I found my fight and pulled myself up from depression and let go of my pride and ego and accepted that it was time to ask for help. The disease of addiction doesn't win, just like Braddock didn't let the hard times win. He fought long and hard and built himself back to what he used to be. Addiction is able to win because YOU are not ready to win, fight and defeat.
Humility. A fight to win again, to beat the odds. Something that everyone else doesn't believe that will ever happen again. Lost hope. That is what I took from the movie. The reporters asked Braddock "why do you want to win this fight?" and he replied, "Milk". Milk to put on the table for his family. I took everything that God had so graciously blessed me with for granted, and in saying that I lost everything in my life just as he did; my house, all belongings, my once children, a failed marriage, relationship with my parents...all but my clothes. I thank God everyday for the roof over my head, the food in my refrigerator, the electricity I have, my job, family, friends and first and foremost my sobriety. Everyday.
You can tell how far a person will go in life by what they are willing to go without to become who they want to be. Godspeed
Friday, April 20, 2012
Self-Honesty...
The deception of others is nearly always rooted in the deception of ourselves. . . . When we are honest with another person, it confirms that we have been honest with ourselves and with God. AS BILL SEES IT, p. 17
While in active addiction I was a deceptive person to others as well as self-deceptive. From a much admired counselor, He told me I was "In Denial, and that did NOT mean In The Nile River." I can chuckle about the statement today, but did not then.
I think if we do not take from our past - the most painful, shameful, demeaning and humiliating times that were caused by our addiction/s or even those that have not faced addiction, but hide from their past, and embrace these, then we cannot complete the full complete circle of Self-Honesty. You cannot hide from your past...denial, because it will always find you. Whether that be tomorrow or twenty years down the road. Embracing these tumultuous time in our lives will make you become the person that God is yearning and paving the path for you to become. Embrace the past and the unfortunate times you have suffered because it will make you a better person for tomorrow.
If I did not embrace my past addictions and shameful, demeaning and humiliating times in my life, I would not be the lady that God works through every day today. I feel him embody me and ask him every morning to do so, in hopes that others will see that being honest with myself and not hiding from my past has made the lady that I am today and is making for him to do His Will and His Way tomorrow.
Embrace your past, be honest with yourself. You cannot hide, you are only cutting yourself short of being the man or woman that God wants you to become. The man or woman that he wants to work through and show others what God can do for them.
Today I can use this as a gift to help others. I want to love, smile, share and give back to others that are seeking what I have received. Godspeed.
While in active addiction I was a deceptive person to others as well as self-deceptive. From a much admired counselor, He told me I was "In Denial, and that did NOT mean In The Nile River." I can chuckle about the statement today, but did not then.
I think if we do not take from our past - the most painful, shameful, demeaning and humiliating times that were caused by our addiction/s or even those that have not faced addiction, but hide from their past, and embrace these, then we cannot complete the full complete circle of Self-Honesty. You cannot hide from your past...denial, because it will always find you. Whether that be tomorrow or twenty years down the road. Embracing these tumultuous time in our lives will make you become the person that God is yearning and paving the path for you to become. Embrace the past and the unfortunate times you have suffered because it will make you a better person for tomorrow.
If I did not embrace my past addictions and shameful, demeaning and humiliating times in my life, I would not be the lady that God works through every day today. I feel him embody me and ask him every morning to do so, in hopes that others will see that being honest with myself and not hiding from my past has made the lady that I am today and is making for him to do His Will and His Way tomorrow.
Embrace your past, be honest with yourself. You cannot hide, you are only cutting yourself short of being the man or woman that God wants you to become. The man or woman that he wants to work through and show others what God can do for them.
Today I can use this as a gift to help others. I want to love, smile, share and give back to others that are seeking what I have received. Godspeed.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
A New Life
Wrong relationships will always lead you to turbulent times. When something is out of order in our lives it will create disorder. Take a look at your world and if there is drama and chaos in your life, guess who you may be choosing to get away from? God.
If you are amidst of peace that passeth understanding then you have God in your life. Remember the song we used to sing out of the hymnal at church? "I have the peace that passeth understanding down in my heart, down in my heart, down in my heart..." I certainly didn't understand the words that I was singing then but I do now. I want and crave for the peace that passeth understanding down in my heart.
We reach out to God when we cannot get out of the turmoil without God. I cannot save myself and I cannot fix this by myself. It takes courage to ask for God's help.
Getting out of loneliness, addiction, loss, turmoil, depression takes a Higher Power, which I choose to call God. When we as believers are not doing what God wants us to do, we then can create chaos and drama in our life and in the lives of our friends, loved ones and at work. How do you get out of this self created drama and turmoil?
Talk to God where you are. I talked to God when I was in active addiction, crying out to him. But what I didn't realize is that I was not ready to quit the chemical dependency just wanted the circumstances, the turmoil and the chaos out of my life without having to choose to turn over my addiction to God. I had to admit to God that I was powerless over my addiction and that my life had become unmanageable. Step One in AA.
God answered my cry of help when I was ready, when I was ready and willing. I was in the midst of Hell...literally with the Devil standing and guiding me. Think about that for a moment. I was allowing the Devil to take my hand and lead my life, turning my will and my ways over to him, not God.
I now pray everyday for God's will not my will and for God's way not my way. I have been to the deepest darkest places of them, Hell... and never want to go back.There are those that never face that and be thankful that you have been strong enough and your relationship with God has protected you. I now picture my hand in God's hand with his flowing white robe leading me into my day, turning everything in my life over to him and for him to lead me in his will and his way. A picture I embrace deeply.
You may cry out from your belly of addiction, shame, regret, remorse or failure. You cannot save yourself and cannot get yourself out of this, only God can. Worship and pray to God even if you don't feel it. Fake it Till you Make It...There is nothing that can change your life other than God.
Keep your promise. Misery comes with conflict when you do not keep your promise. I am going to fulfill my promises not to just God but also to my family, my job, my friends, and reaching out to others. We have all made promises that we have not kept.. I promise to love, to cherish, and to give. You cannot change your past but can start today by fulfilling your promises that you have made today. You can reconcile your promises, to your friends to your family, apologize for the things you have done.
You will Pay the price of loneliness, addiction, loss, turmoil and depression by silencing the voice of God. Listen, for He will speak to you.
Godspeed.
If you are amidst of peace that passeth understanding then you have God in your life. Remember the song we used to sing out of the hymnal at church? "I have the peace that passeth understanding down in my heart, down in my heart, down in my heart..." I certainly didn't understand the words that I was singing then but I do now. I want and crave for the peace that passeth understanding down in my heart.
We reach out to God when we cannot get out of the turmoil without God. I cannot save myself and I cannot fix this by myself. It takes courage to ask for God's help.
Getting out of loneliness, addiction, loss, turmoil, depression takes a Higher Power, which I choose to call God. When we as believers are not doing what God wants us to do, we then can create chaos and drama in our life and in the lives of our friends, loved ones and at work. How do you get out of this self created drama and turmoil?
Talk to God where you are. I talked to God when I was in active addiction, crying out to him. But what I didn't realize is that I was not ready to quit the chemical dependency just wanted the circumstances, the turmoil and the chaos out of my life without having to choose to turn over my addiction to God. I had to admit to God that I was powerless over my addiction and that my life had become unmanageable. Step One in AA.
God answered my cry of help when I was ready, when I was ready and willing. I was in the midst of Hell...literally with the Devil standing and guiding me. Think about that for a moment. I was allowing the Devil to take my hand and lead my life, turning my will and my ways over to him, not God.
I now pray everyday for God's will not my will and for God's way not my way. I have been to the deepest darkest places of them, Hell... and never want to go back.There are those that never face that and be thankful that you have been strong enough and your relationship with God has protected you. I now picture my hand in God's hand with his flowing white robe leading me into my day, turning everything in my life over to him and for him to lead me in his will and his way. A picture I embrace deeply.
You may cry out from your belly of addiction, shame, regret, remorse or failure. You cannot save yourself and cannot get yourself out of this, only God can. Worship and pray to God even if you don't feel it. Fake it Till you Make It...There is nothing that can change your life other than God.
Keep your promise. Misery comes with conflict when you do not keep your promise. I am going to fulfill my promises not to just God but also to my family, my job, my friends, and reaching out to others. We have all made promises that we have not kept.. I promise to love, to cherish, and to give. You cannot change your past but can start today by fulfilling your promises that you have made today. You can reconcile your promises, to your friends to your family, apologize for the things you have done.
You will Pay the price of loneliness, addiction, loss, turmoil and depression by silencing the voice of God. Listen, for He will speak to you.
Godspeed.