GIVING UP INSANITY

. . . where alcohol has been involved, we have been strangely insane. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 38

Alcoholism required me to drink, whether I wanted to or not. Insanity dominated my life and was the essence of my disease. It robbed me of the freedom of choice over drinking and, therefore, robbed me of all other choices. When I drank, I was unable to make effective choices in any part of my life and life became unmanageable. I ask God to help me understand and accept the full meaning of the disease of alcoholism.

Daily I begin to understand this disease more and more. Some days better than others. The disease of addiction always hindered my relationships, whether that of family, friends or of intimacy.

Growing up I was very combative in my relationship with my parents...this carried on into adulthood. As my parents and I were talking yesterday we all came to realize how My Recovery had made a "full circle" in healing our relationship. It wasn't that I was only combative, but I didn't want to open my ears to hear anything they had to say about my life. I remember distinctively telling them that "I want to make mistakes so I can learn from them". Well, this is true, but not to the point I have...

There was never a time I would spend the night at their house once I left because they did not drink. "How was I going to drink till blackout?" "They will be able to smell the alcohol on me" "Will they be able to know I am high?"

It was not until my last treatment center that my dad "prefaced" that he did not want me to take this the wrong way or get upset with him what he was about to discuss. It was merely about me finding a good church in Nashville. However, as soon as he "prefaced" what he was about to say I asked him "why would he ask such a thing of me". I didn't understand...sure, please, any advice I can listen to I will take.

But, for years I had never wanted to listen to them. For all of my years in active addiction. Not once had I heeded or taken their advice. This was quite an awakening moment for me in my selfish and self absorbing behaviors. Very shameful and very regretful.

Just yesterday my mother was acutely shocked at my actual awareness and concern for my father's health. It was yet another awakening moment for me, how I had mistreated my parents and had selfishly walked through my life, even unaware that I had done this. A shocking moment for the three of us, but a rejoicing moment as well. A very rejoicing one.

The disease had robbed me of the freedom of the choice to have a loving relationship with my parents. It has robbed me of thirty plus years of love. Today, I am a grateful recovering addict.