The Path on the Road Changes

The Path on the Road changed today. Today was the first time I was to drive from Nashville to Enterprise in four years. Before I tried to stay sober but was not able to defeat the demons.

Because of a toxic marriage my coping mechanism was to turn to chemical dependency. I used to drive the roads between Huntsville and Birmingham and Montgomery and Enterprise "chemically dependent on something". It was the norm for me. There was no way that I would drive these roads without it. How selfish on my part not worrying about the others that I could have killed, not even myself. Such a shameful time in my life.

I had just about six months sober in April and I planned to drive from Nashville to Birmingham to move my furniture. I had it so well planned out, where my ex would not be there, he would be at work, I hired two men to help me skirt the items into the van. First mistake I made was not to bring someone in Recovery there with me. My ego took over and I did not want to ask for help and wanted to "show" everyone that I was capable of doing this by myself.

It was abuse from the moment he drove up. He had taken the furniture and all items I was appointed to in the divorce and moved them from the house. He was mentally abusing me while I was hurrying the movers to get the items out and locking us out. It was total chaos. The blame of everything was always on me. I felt the "Black Cloud" all around me. I began to drink as soon as I pulled out of my old neighborhood. I was sick, just sick of the abuse and how it still continued even though I had not lived there for nine months.

Once I got myself back to Nashville it took me a few days to get back up again, but I had to remember that I was allowing him to do this to me. I had not cowered down to anyone since him and felt as though I was learning to gain my self confidence back. During my therapy sessions I learned that I am the only one that can control how others make me feel. It did not make sense to me at first, but have finally grasped the idea.

So, my fear today was that I would need to see his mother because she is so ill. I have prayed about this non stop, as stated in an earlier blog,and now know that I will have to love her from afar. I know she still loves me and If I know that, then I know she does as well.

The roads were still the same roads with beautiful fall leaves dressing the trees and while others were slowly slipping down to the ground just as a feather would. Rolling hills, pastures, livestock. God's beautiful painting for me today.

The roads were the same physically however I had a different path with them today. They were not in a toxic chaotic web or deceit of lies. The path was of Glory to God for his art, thanking him for the journey that I drove so many times, and that it was a sober one today. Sober.

You don't have to take a different road or path to avoid one that has gone wrong before. You can take the same path and approach it differently and God will lead you to Clarity Peace Serenity.

Today I overcame a four year fear of this Road. I conquered it with help from prayer, friends and their prayer. Today I chose a different path on the road I had been down before but it was still the same road.